I am truly fed up I feel I cannot win , there is no way to really, until I can get everything sorted which I am doing my best to. 

I need a car, at the moment I have garage bloke who appears to be unable? Or unwilling to fit the new engine . I have the guys who sold it to me confused over what is going on, Direct Line is being a pain….

So when I have car I can take my daughter to breakfast club!

 My new job starts on Monday which makes my life easier, hopefully and I can get myself back on track, in that area which means I can afford a car again….

 My divorce has stuff which I am working on and needs to be in within 28 days! Then hopefully this will free up funds and get stuff back on track and I can then afford a new car…….

 Also this will then enable me to get my mum who is running away from her own life to return to France or continue to run away as she feels fit but essentially out of my house and away! This also causes a great deal of contention, which is not helpful, and hurts me. As I also feel it and hate it I want this situation resolved its hard for me also having my mother tell me how bad I am as mother. Then having her play gooseberry and curtail what and how I do stuff in my house. Not in a terrible way but it’s difficult to walk around naked and eat ice cream on the sofa with Andre without being aware of the other person……

 Its equally difficult having to deal with not having a car so I cannot easily appear in Andres house …………….

 So I guess the crux of this problem comes back to a car really……..

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative


I am fed up with most terrible job in the world giving me grief one moemnt becuse I am too valuble to let have the day off, one minute the next they are making my life hell over stupid stuff all i want to do is leave .....................
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails

Sofa day..............

Have spent the day being non productive and vegging on the sofa ,
watching Star Trek movies and eating fondent fancys and I relised.
Just how much we run around taking very little time just to smell the coffee and enjoy just being........
So really a ver productive day after all......
Which was made even more enjoyable as I was sat vegging with Mr A.....

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative



well today will be better later, with small patches of cloud and possable thunderstoms,
resoving later .........................
  • Current Music
    Nine Inch Nails

Pain and tears

Feels terrible, hard weekend  lots of stuff and now feels really worried about revealing the worst part of my life, at this moment. It really hurts that by trying to save the life of a patient I ended up with my zealot of a matron jumping up and down all over me. At least it will be all over next week I will them be able to start my new job and move on
  • Current Mood
    crushed crushed

damm the elusive sheep of sleep

Have been awake since 0400hrs am tired but cannot sleep my head will not stop whirring and the nightmares where horrid.
Just becuse of the random pants my life occasionaly throws, nothing major but I find my self wondering, if working in an office would be interesting or with people that are not sick and demand that you sort out everything from thier cholera boosters to thier spacers as you are about to leave to spend time with your family. 

would have me waking at random times with nightmares? or would I be reduced to dreaming about paper clips?



I am one,  I understand how you can feel eroded eaten away the sea of perfection you are expected to inhabit.
I can understand how sometimes you want to be the person  who you are still inside, and yearn to dance with that once more.
What I can not understand is how you can, deny your child's existence not once but three times over.........
Then tear your family into pieces because you want to feel whole, when all you are is now less. Diminished ,  fragile, and broken, the damage done and no amount of of glue will ever repair what you have done.
Then you tell your daughter she needs to bond with her own child!

Maybe the looking glass is not so far away as once thought?